Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
What does that mean?
What is one to do to find purpose?
A reason to dance
To do art
To become a master
To be somebody
Many lose their path in their striving to find purpose
Purpose comes from within
In most cases it's right under our noses.
Just do it?
I know there's no try.
Trying leads to failure because there's still the underlying belief that failure may be possible.
But to just do, doing leads to doing more.
But what to do?
Where to start?
How to start?
Where to continue?
It's all different yet all leads to the same thing.
Love please give me faith that things will be okay. I'm finding myself losing my way.
Slowly becoming unsure of myself. Slowly unsure of the path I'm taking. Wondering....
In a sense I want to know my destiny. With a purpose, I'd feel that everday was a step in progress towards my goal. But then, maybe I've lost sight of what I want to do. I spose?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
I never know what I'm going to end up with when I start a piece. I should start looking into doing planning stages before making a final piece. But then it's fun to freestyle on canvas too. Music leads my soul and I think the female figure is a beautiful subject. =)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Mainly financially. I've felt like money is the answer to my problems but then I look at my daily schedule and it doesn't fit with the life I'd like to live. So what may one do to fix that. I've looked at the Law of Attraction, The Secret, read the Divine Matrix, Celestine Prophesies, The Power of Now, and countless others I don't remember the names to but found the words in them to resonate with me.
I've kept to myself at times in Barnes and Noble just reading, browsing, trying to find answers. I'll look at my past as a martial artist and see that all arts are interlinked in philosophy.
I've found dance to be completely similar to martial arts. I've looked into the styles of popping, locking, whacking, house, breaking, krumping, jerkin, and had an appreciation for the more technical styles of dance. I've found out lately about dancehall, shuffling, flexing, and the list just keeps growing. My proficiency in these styles pale in comparison to people who have stuck to one style for several years. But what is one to do with all this information. I feel a jack of all trades yet a master of none. I freestyle, yet I've also been learning choreo and learning to perform choreography for several years. I try to learn more and more about each style but I'm still not one who would be able to hang with the original creators of the styles that I choose to try and be proficient at.
I've been feeling like goin back to my roots as a dancer. Why did I start getting into hip hop and soul? I started dancing with ddr because I had no rhythm. But then I also found bboyin, poppin, and lockin as I played that video game because I started watching freestyle videos.
I wanted to get better as a dancer, it was fun to be in that spotlight.
Hip hop I found out had a lot of history. It has four elements: DJ, MC, Graffiti, and Breakin. Things I wanted to learn more about. The creativity that boomed from such roots is amazing.
Then I found what funk styles were. Popping, locking, punking, whacking all different styles that emerged from funk music.
Popping was the easiest for me to start exploring then I got into choreography.
Then battles came into the picture. I wanted to get better to hold well enough in a battle with anyone. Now I find the biggest battle with myself. Well maybe it's more like a long war.
I started drawing seriously because of anime. Had it not been for ninja robots, robotech, rurouni kenshin, dragonball, yuu yuu hakusho, or ghost in the shell, I wouldn't have gone this far with drawing in the Japanese anime style. But now what should I do with that??
Each time I try to find my way I find a problem that makes me wonder if I should continue. A part of me tells me I'm crazy. Another part says to just do what I have to do. How do you make something out of nothing?
All I've gathered so far is: The answers are within, since inside there is an extension that reaches beyond the depths of space and time. The key is an unconditional love to unlock this. Through positive thought everything manifests itself perfectly as it always has, except in the past negative thoughts had plagued the subconscious and created a downward spiral. The messages are all the same. The solution then is to keep positive thought and start moving.
Then I started thinking. I have a lot of clutter, I need to simplify, but clutter keeps on piling up. I don't know where to start, my future feels hazy because I had not set my goals yet. But once I listed some goals I wanted to do, I looked at the list and thought about how much I had to do to get there. Feeling paralyzed, what's one to do to keep going?
I don't know where to start. But I was told that once you start and completely immerse yourself in it, it's hard to stop, so just start something. So maybe this is another start. I spose starting is like taking steps. Each step is a new start as each moment is a step in the future. The future is shifting left and right so there's no way to really tell what's going to happen in the future. I can create my future though. I spose that's one thing to feel confident about.
Confidence is another issue. I don't feel dope. But then people say I'm better than I think. I'd like to know how much better, because it would be nice to have more confidence in what I do. But then again, the answer to that lies inside. Why do I battle with myself constantly when it's unnecessary.
Mind-body alignment, maybe that explains why I have the pain in my back. Until I let go of all tension, I'm not going to heal. That means I need the same flexibility that I once had as a kid learning taekwondo. My mind also needs to have the same flexibility as a child. Constantly I find myself needing time to empty my cup. But why should that be a struggle, why shouldn't it just happen. It should basically be "Clear my mind"*snap* and all my issues go away and I just handle my problems.
But thought is a plague to me. When I lose sight of being the observer of my thoughts, I become consumed by my thoughts. Too much thinking has created stagnation. This is where I find my plateau. But I spose everyone needs this from time to time. It's frustrating though. Because I feel like I put my own shackles and I have the key to free myself yet I forgot where I put it. The frustrating part about it is that it's usually in the first place you looked, or in one of the most obvious spots where one would keep a key.
I've reached enlightenment before though, but I want to get it back and maintain it for longer. Fleeting moments of satori but I wish to truly find zen and live it completely. I have no particular religion to associate to because they all share the same underlying truths to me. When one reaches enlightenment, everything is separate but one, the same but different, contradictory but makes so much sense to me.
So back to the issue, what do I do with art? Paintings? But I don't feel good enough at that. Been trying to keep going with it but I feel so stuck, no where near the level I'm at with dancing.
But what do I do with dancing? Mavyn, Acadamee, Boxcuttuhz, and who knows what else may come up. They're all dope atmospheres in their own respects. How does one choose? But then I feel more inclined now to learn more about foundational styles. I miss sessioning, and I didn't feel there was enough of that. But now I wonder, should I try seeing what happens if I put myself out there solo? It's a huge task to undertake but maybe it might work?
Then I start thinking. Where do I start? I always go back to that question, HOW.
Then I start thinking more.
But I started to realize, how is the wrong first question, I should be asking: WHY??
Why am I doing what I'm doing? I mean to inspire but then what do I want for my future? Artistry is one path to getting in tune with the force. Why do I do it? Why do I want to be better at dancing, painting, drawing, guitaring, etc? There's so much to do but everyone has the same amount of time as erryone else in a day. One hour per subject? Do I need to be my own teacher and school myself? Maybe.
I always come back to the drawing board. A blank sheet, but I look behind and I have so much left unfinished. I spose I should start doin somthing with what I got.
I want to stop thinking so much. I want to replace it with actually doing stuff and experiencing life. Maybe I've stayed stagnant long enough.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I don't want a job. At all. Ever.
I don't want to work for someone else, I'd rather work for myself to help someone else.
Suddenly it seems the easiest way to generate income would be to start a business that thrives from the start.
This is a list of things that I really DO want.
What do I want now?
I want a healthy relationship with Aye
I want to be a better boyfriend
I need to learn Japanese
I want to be a better dancer
I want to be a better artist
I want to support my family
I want to be financially stable
I want to change for the better
I want to be a great prospering artist
I want to be surrounded by great people
I want to be surrounded by consciously aware individuals
I want to be awake and alive
I want to be energized
I want to live an exciting lucid dream of countless possibilities
I don't want a job, I want to start a business
I want a revolution in my life
I want to cultivate artistic creativity
I want to be courageous
I want to tackle problems swiftly and effectively
I want an exciting and fulfilling life
I want to resonate at a high frequency
I want to live
I choose to do my best and live with these thoughts in mind
I want to let go of relying on my mind as opposed to my intuition
I want my mind to be aligned with what I want to accomplish
I want my actions to resonate with my words
I want my thoughts to guide me on a clear positive path to accomplishing my goals
I want life to be exciting and fulfilling
Everyday has the possibility for change
Each passing moment creates more opportunities
I need help to accomplish what I've set out to do
Times are tough and financial issues are terribly hard to overcome.
I could technically get a job, but how much better would it be to use creativity to thrive?
I'd like to get my own studio, maybe even my own house and turn it into a sanctuary for others.
I'd like to finish school
I could use loans, grants, donations, anything to help me get started without worrying about money. I want to change and help motivate others to change life for the better.
Life shouldn't be hard to figure out.
I want life to be more simple, and fun.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Maybe I'll get a check in the mail. Maybe the money will just come. Maybe I'll find some ridiculously dope opportunities along the way and find the courage to act upon them.
I just want extraordinary days to be a regular thing in my life. My world, my rules. Everyone should do the same thing. I wonder what would happen if everyone forgot about the "real world" and stopped lying to themselves to pursue something that they actually wanted. Forget thinking that there's not enough time, not enough money, not enough anything.
There's no such thing as a stable job. There's nothing safe about getting a job that you hate. It'll kill you in the long run and you wont be happy. Who cares if your true path or calling looks risky, it's more fun that way. All the haters can keep doing what they're doing because they're only digging their own proverbial grave. Forget "safe".
I'm focusing on the good in my life. It can only get better. That's my answer from the last post. I may falter here and there but I choose happiness because nothing negative really matters after that.
Imma do me 'cause that's all that matters when tryna change the world. My homies and my fam taught me that and so much more.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I want everyone to be happy, rich, healthy, and have everything. Everyone in my life. Everyone I meet. I've been meeting and getting to know some great people. I've been enjoying the company I keep close to me.
I feel afraid of something though. Something is keeping me from regularly updating this blog. I always come back to doubting myself. I have a youtube and I don't update that either or keep in touch with the people who've watched my videos. I have a deviant art account but I haven't made a painting or drawing in hella days. I have a new Myspace that has the potential to be a dope professional one. I have neoturtle.com and I don't use that either.
Something's stopping me from getting everything done. Making everything work. From making that first step. This is about that time I figured it out.
Lets see, I love art. I love to dance. I love to draw, paint, listen to music, and I'd like to learn how to make music.
I teach freestyling.
I'm trying to expand myself in all aspects of my life.
I want to be me. And I want to teach others to be themselves.
I want to get into choreography, but I'm scared my stuff isn't going to be good enough.
People tell me I'm dope but there's something keeping me from having that confidence in finalizing something.
I want to start something. Call it an artistic revolution. That's a huge thing to say for anyone and I can't believe I just wrote that.
I want to bring everyone in my life together to enjoy life and do what they love.
Money should come when happiness is already attained with what one has in their life.
At least accept it as the current moment.
Then the next step is to completely let go.
How do you let go of doubt? Fear? Guilt?
How do you say, forget it, I'm good enough!
Why shouldn't I have a life I love? Everyone deserves it!
What do I need to do to do that? How does one inspire people by the masses?
Michael Jackson did just that! But he killed himself! Why did someone so influential and loved recieve such a huge barrage of insults by being so dope? Remember what happened when he died though! There was so much love spread out to the world by everyone it's ridiculous! All the naysayers can't really say anything anymore. There's so much love that's been spread by his music, and he was just overly pushed through his life. But it's a sure sign that if there's a will there's a way, as cliche as that may be. Imagine if we went an easier path, filled with so much happiness that nothing became a chore. How does everything become fun? To do what you love.
I love art, why's it hard to make that first step to creating art? Why is it that we forget why we do the things we do? How do you grow and move to a better present moment?
Lets say for example if I accept the present moment for how it is. I have all the essentials and more. Yet there's a way to utilize everything I have to better my life. I have all the tools available. I wanna do something! I wanna be somebody! How do I get out and let everything go? I want to make something happen! Where do I start? When I have my answers I'm going to have a new post by the end of the day.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
However, getting the jitters out from actually teaching a Boogiezone class for the first time and realizing how humbling of an experience it was, I'm thankful it happened the way it did. Obviously I would have to take the steps to remedy what was already done but it can't really get any worse than that because I wont let it happen again.
It just sucks that I was good for the whole day, I had my routine done and it felt different when I was choreographing it, and when I even re-taught it to myself to get the counts right.
Then when came time to actually get there everything went against my favor and I completely blanked. It was all in my head and it was all my fault. But now I know what happens when I'm not able to shake something off, and I just have to wait and see what the reception will be for my class when people find it if it ever gets posted up on YouTube.
I feel like I want to apologize to someone, anyone, but that won't do anything. It's definitely a shaky way to introduce myself but it's made me so much of a better person. I learned so much from that experience that I would never want to happen again. It brought me down hard to ground level so I'm still starting at zero at this point.
Maybe a second chance will come along soon but only if I chase it.
Tryna live a dream because that's all I want for the future, nothing less of that. No need for expectations because that's in the past now.
I'm just living in the present moment because life is too beautiful not to notice how perfect things really are. I can easily say I messed up but now at least I've started to do something and had made a first step in the right direction.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Later tonight I'm also teaching Boogiezone Community Class for the first time!
Seems there may be many firsts today. Each day is a new awakening and my awareness is constantly growing in presence as I live to pursue my dreams to hopefully inspire other people to do whatever it is they have a passion for. The heart and soul are what matters, the material things are secondary. Money is secondary. Money will come, but faith in oneself is what's needed for that to happen. I can struggle and still be happy, because as cliche as it may seem, true wealth comes from within.
Suddenly it's not so hard to realize that which I'm set out to do. I want the people in my world to be happy. Forget all the past struggles because they're not happening at the moment NOW. Plan for the future but forget about it till it comes because it's not in the moment, NOW.
Why am I saying that?
I recently read the book The Power of Now and it resonated at a high frequency with me. It all made sense. I've been reading a lot of books in my search for spiritual enlightenment. I can't look at the world the same anymore. I daresay a lot of religions became so radical and obscured to the point now that the true messages got convoluted!
Live well, be good, and stay free. That's all that matters. Thoughts are tools to help us. But so many people have given in to be consumed by those thoughts that the true essence of life is lost. Life is more than this physical dimension. And even then this is all that currently IS at the moment.
So why worry? Why stress? Why bother to think negatively if it only makes life worse? Why would anyone want to kill their own souls by living life in disharmony from the self? People are trippin and it doesn't make sense. I've gone from a stage of extreme low to this natural high.
Good is good, and bad can only make me a better person so either way it's still good.
Today's a great day. Every moment I have with other people I cherish. Every moment I have to myself I cherish. There's a lot of love to go around, at least in my world. Either way I'm having fun with life.
Are you? =]
Friday, June 12, 2009
Last Saturday was ABDC Auditions, and I'm hoping, praying, wishing, and wanting so badly to get on the show right now with Tha Acadamee. Either way it's not the end by any means regardless of the outcome, but the experience would be so fulfilling and it would open up a lot of doors for the crew. Just sending it out there, please root for us!
And now to the actual point of this update. Life is getting easier, and "coincidental" ocurrences are more common in my life. I'm surrounded by the most amazing individuals each in their own respect. It's a lot easier to trust myself with what I'm doing now. The hardest part is that I don't know what exactly I want to accomplish, down to one thing. I want so many things in life. I'd like to experience everything as an addative to my adventure. I'd like to be a powerful creative individual in several forms at once. People may say it's impossible to master so many things at once but I feel the opposite should be possible.
Why do we place limiting beliefs upon ourselves?
If the mind is so powerful, why has society told us otherwise?
There's such a lack of trust, that trusting oneself becomes something to be relearned. As children we are powerful beyond imagination. As we grow, we are sometimes taught that we're not good enough to reach our dreams by our own peers. And then we meet people who tell us otherwise, then they become our true friends.
Finding myself and reaching enlightenment is a difficult path. Finding my life's purpose is also a difficult thing to attain. It's all internal and there are so many possibilities. What must one do to reach the full potential? Taking the first step may be hard but what am I stepping towards?
I aim to inspire regardless of what I do in this life. At the end of the day everything will be okay, because life gets better with each present moment.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I teach a Beginner Freestyle 101/Intro to Choreo class every Monday at 6pm.
But now I might as well put what training I have from all the past experiences I've had and actually do more now. Deff gotta get back on the grind of things 'cause I've been stagnant lately and doin too much internal thinking and not putting enough external output.
As always the main goal is to take my love for artistry as a whole and give that to the world. Dancing is very much a big part of this artistry that I do so I'm going to get back to focusing on being as multitalented as I possibly can.
I need to give a shoutout to my main inspirations as well. If not for people like Jay Chris Moore, Bobbie Lota, Jesse Trinidad, Jason Bueno, JP Goldstein, Sal de Joya, David Lim, Lydia Paek, Nicole Calinawan, every other artist(in any shape and form) I've met and gained insight from, and my parents, I wouldn't be at this stage of life where I'm actually pursuing something that I love to do, which is art.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Love is the basis of all these ideal states of being.
When I trust myself and trust this feeling, I can literally feel the world shift in a positive light. By trusting myself and achieving a mindstate where I am not forcing control of myself, but instead letting go of myself, I am able to attract positive influences into my life.
There is a certain unconditional joy that comes through creating and being creative.
To achieve a constant mindstate of no-mind, in which there are no limits or boundaries to the posibilities that life may give, is a wonderful experience.
It seems that the more that our personal problems are focused upon, the more these problems elude us in life. In order to counter act that, by focusing on the positive aspects of life, of everything even in nature, that which we desire will eventually come to fruitition in ways I possibly can't imagine yet.
But the biggest thing is TRUST especially in oneself and allowing oneself to follow a gut feeling that tells you when something feels right and something feels wrong.
By believing that the universe will allow things to happen within my reality if I allow them to happen internally first, I hope to achieve a livelihood that not only supports me but lets me flourish in the world.
This all might sound hella crazy but considering that possibility that this will work may actually set anyone who chooses to believe it to be free for life.
Suddenly life has become a constant freestyle session. By allowing the rhythm of life's music to take control, and following a gut feeling that simply feels right, joyous, and prosperous, everything will set itself into a positive movement, this is what I believe.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
There's a long running unspoken story for this canvas painting. There's three layers of completely different paintings that I've done on it, the two underlayers I didn't like at all for some reason. It created a lot of interesting textures you'd probably have to see in person though. haha I like the final outcome though =] The final image is inspired by my trip to CalArts last Friday. I learned a lot in what little time I had and I gotta thank Mami Yamaguchi for givin me the small tour around too. She's a pretty dope artist check out her blog.
Anyhow this is called "Woman on Top" Acrylic on 18 x 24 inch canvas
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Click on the images if you want to see a bigger picture =]
Sunday, March 29, 2009
This is basically how I'm feeling about money right now.
Charcoal on Stonehenge Paper
I'm looking for commissions, projects, interested buyers for my art, open minds to help me with ideas on where I can take my art, just anyone who can help in some shape or form.
I have my currently limited stash of materials, and my creativity. I want to expand and bring about a community of artistry as a whole. It'd be dope to see musicians, dancers, designers, painters, graffiti artists, DJs, MCs, etc. And everyone is kickin it together spreading ideas and just vibing with each other. I'm on this whole soul tip and I really wanna spread the idea of knowing the feeling of rhythm and how it can transcend to everything else and I've got homies who're down to make something happen, but money seems to be an issue that's hard to ignore.
This recession may be terrible but right now has to be the lowest that I feel from now on, it should never get to this point ever. I know I shouldn't worry about money as there should always be money at least just to get by as one of my friends said. There's gotta be a way to make something happen and to bring everyone else I hold close up with me. Basically I'm looking for anyone who's either down to help or down to actually make this reality.
Cuz I'm broke and I gotta fix this.
Friday, March 27, 2009
The past quarter I took an Introduction to Painting class
The teacher basically opened my eyes to the idea of following my own path and having fun doing it. The idea was always there, but it was never really put in such a blatant perspective with such an I-don't-give-a-damn attitude about everything.
Whatever I plan on doing with my life, I hope the people I hold close are gonna be a part of it.
I would much rather move up in life with my closest friends, family members, etc. than move up by myself.
Here's a collection of paintings that I did in the past quarter. Sanctuary v01 should technically be a part of this post but that's okay, it deserved it's own post.
The size of this last painting is pretty big haha About 30 x 44.
One of these days I want to start selling my artwork.
I'd like to do some live paintings too.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Acrylic on Stonehenge
This was made with a lot of layers. If the process were recorded as a live painting there would have been a good number of different images revealing themselves as I painted. Twas fun. Music and painting seem to work pretty well =]
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
House is definitely a feeling.
Last night I found the zone through my sketching. My hand was moving hella fast and on its own while my mental awareness was no more fixated on the task of sketching. Once again just listening to music and really letting go.
Music is a wonderful thing. Rhythm is so prominent in this world that I live in, without it I feel that life couldn't exist. Rhythm can be found anywhere; in nature, in any sort of sound, in music, in art, in buildings, and any sort of movement.
Rhythm is life to me.
Only now am I really starting to trust myself with how music can influence my skills and turn me into a better artist overall.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
But basically this is my new creative outlet.
I'm not sure if this can really help take me to a different level of creativity but I figure there's only one way to find out.
Suddenly I'm basically forcing myself to have some sort of discipline with what was once a hobby to me and has now become my lifestyle.