a lot. It's hard to come up with what to do with one's life. I've been using my time to find myself. This seems to happen a lot. When I find myself stuck I gradually shy away from the world and find my old comfort zone. I come back into old patterns of being unlucky. But I spose it's not such a bad thing. Coming into the light out of dark times makes one savour the good times all the more. I miss being happy about everything. Being grateful for everything. Literally everything. When in fact I have all the possible things to work with that would keep me busy and be happy. However, like I said, life's been a bitch lately.
Mainly financially. I've felt like money is the answer to my problems but then I look at my daily schedule and it doesn't fit with the life I'd like to live. So what may one do to fix that. I've looked at the Law of Attraction, The Secret, read the Divine Matrix, Celestine Prophesies, The Power of Now, and countless others I don't remember the names to but found the words in them to resonate with me.
I've kept to myself at times in Barnes and Noble just reading, browsing, trying to find answers. I'll look at my past as a martial artist and see that all arts are interlinked in philosophy.
I've found dance to be completely similar to martial arts. I've looked into the styles of popping, locking, whacking, house, breaking, krumping, jerkin, and had an appreciation for the more technical styles of dance. I've found out lately about dancehall, shuffling, flexing, and the list just keeps growing. My proficiency in these styles pale in comparison to people who have stuck to one style for several years. But what is one to do with all this information. I feel a jack of all trades yet a master of none. I freestyle, yet I've also been learning choreo and learning to perform choreography for several years. I try to learn more and more about each style but I'm still not one who would be able to hang with the original creators of the styles that I choose to try and be proficient at.
I've been feeling like goin back to my roots as a dancer. Why did I start getting into hip hop and soul? I started dancing with ddr because I had no rhythm. But then I also found bboyin, poppin, and lockin as I played that video game because I started watching freestyle videos.
I wanted to get better as a dancer, it was fun to be in that spotlight.
Hip hop I found out had a lot of history. It has four elements: DJ, MC, Graffiti, and Breakin. Things I wanted to learn more about. The creativity that boomed from such roots is amazing.
Then I found what funk styles were. Popping, locking, punking, whacking all different styles that emerged from funk music.
Popping was the easiest for me to start exploring then I got into choreography.
Then battles came into the picture. I wanted to get better to hold well enough in a battle with anyone. Now I find the biggest battle with myself. Well maybe it's more like a long war.
I started drawing seriously because of anime. Had it not been for ninja robots, robotech, rurouni kenshin, dragonball, yuu yuu hakusho, or ghost in the shell, I wouldn't have gone this far with drawing in the Japanese anime style. But now what should I do with that??
Each time I try to find my way I find a problem that makes me wonder if I should continue. A part of me tells me I'm crazy. Another part says to just do what I have to do. How do you make something out of nothing?
All I've gathered so far is: The answers are within, since inside there is an extension that reaches beyond the depths of space and time. The key is an unconditional love to unlock this. Through positive thought everything manifests itself perfectly as it always has, except in the past negative thoughts had plagued the subconscious and created a downward spiral. The messages are all the same. The solution then is to keep positive thought and start moving.
Then I started thinking. I have a lot of clutter, I need to simplify, but clutter keeps on piling up. I don't know where to start, my future feels hazy because I had not set my goals yet. But once I listed some goals I wanted to do, I looked at the list and thought about how much I had to do to get there. Feeling paralyzed, what's one to do to keep going?
I don't know where to start. But I was told that once you start and completely immerse yourself in it, it's hard to stop, so just start something. So maybe this is another start. I spose starting is like taking steps. Each step is a new start as each moment is a step in the future. The future is shifting left and right so there's no way to really tell what's going to happen in the future. I can create my future though. I spose that's one thing to feel confident about.
Confidence is another issue. I don't feel dope. But then people say I'm better than I think. I'd like to know how much better, because it would be nice to have more confidence in what I do. But then again, the answer to that lies inside. Why do I battle with myself constantly when it's unnecessary.
Mind-body alignment, maybe that explains why I have the pain in my back. Until I let go of all tension, I'm not going to heal. That means I need the same flexibility that I once had as a kid learning taekwondo. My mind also needs to have the same flexibility as a child. Constantly I find myself needing time to empty my cup. But why should that be a struggle, why shouldn't it just happen. It should basically be "Clear my mind"*snap* and all my issues go away and I just handle my problems.
But thought is a plague to me. When I lose sight of being the observer of my thoughts, I become consumed by my thoughts. Too much thinking has created stagnation. This is where I find my plateau. But I spose everyone needs this from time to time. It's frustrating though. Because I feel like I put my own shackles and I have the key to free myself yet I forgot where I put it. The frustrating part about it is that it's usually in the first place you looked, or in one of the most obvious spots where one would keep a key.
I've reached enlightenment before though, but I want to get it back and maintain it for longer. Fleeting moments of satori but I wish to truly find zen and live it completely. I have no particular religion to associate to because they all share the same underlying truths to me. When one reaches enlightenment, everything is separate but one, the same but different, contradictory but makes so much sense to me.
So back to the issue, what do I do with art? Paintings? But I don't feel good enough at that. Been trying to keep going with it but I feel so stuck, no where near the level I'm at with dancing.
But what do I do with dancing? Mavyn, Acadamee, Boxcuttuhz, and who knows what else may come up. They're all dope atmospheres in their own respects. How does one choose? But then I feel more inclined now to learn more about foundational styles. I miss sessioning, and I didn't feel there was enough of that. But now I wonder, should I try seeing what happens if I put myself out there solo? It's a huge task to undertake but maybe it might work?
Then I start thinking. Where do I start? I always go back to that question, HOW.
Then I start thinking more.
But I started to realize, how is the wrong first question, I should be asking: WHY??
Why am I doing what I'm doing? I mean to inspire but then what do I want for my future? Artistry is one path to getting in tune with the force. Why do I do it? Why do I want to be better at dancing, painting, drawing, guitaring, etc? There's so much to do but everyone has the same amount of time as erryone else in a day. One hour per subject? Do I need to be my own teacher and school myself? Maybe.
I always come back to the drawing board. A blank sheet, but I look behind and I have so much left unfinished. I spose I should start doin somthing with what I got.
I want to stop thinking so much. I want to replace it with actually doing stuff and experiencing life. Maybe I've stayed stagnant long enough.